Progress

(photo credit)

This morning Little C woke up an hour early.  Why, buddy?  Why????  At first I was frustrated.  I stayed in bed, in my warm, cozy,  its-a-whole-hour-too-early-to-leave, bed and I found myself angry at C for being awake.  He was screwing with MY routine.  Didn't he care that I was not ready to get up yet?  I angrily threw my covers off, huffed into the cold, dark abyss of our house to turn on some lights, let the dog out, get C's morning snack ready (he eats a full breakfast at daycare), and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse queued up for him to watch.  I was short with him when I finally entered his room to change his diaper.  He was going on and on about a bus or "busth" as he says, and also showing me his monkey lovey and talking all about it.  I just let him babble.  I plunked him down in his special Elmo couch with his snack and milk and I pushed play on Mickey Mouse. 

He was content and quiet and I knew I had a small window of time to shower.  As I raced into the bathroom my lovely sciatic nerve shot me a zing of intense pain and I felt the tears instantly build up in my eyes.  "I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm in pain" was all I was thinking. I wanted to scream and cry (oh, how I wish I was exaggerating).  Right then I heard my husband's voice in my head... "is this worth getting upset over?"  I've been really struggling with my hormones during this pregnancy, which I know I mention on here continuously.  But it's true.  It's something I genuinely don't have control of and something that I am really trying to work on.  There are days that I don't even know who I am!  If you've never experienced this I'm sure I sound overly dramatic and obnoxious.  I wish this was all in my head but I assure you it is not.  If you've been in this position before then you know how awful of a feeling it is to feel out of control and overwhelmed more often than not.  I have good days for sure but they seem far and few between.  So I talk about it with my therapist and I talk about it with my second therapist husband.  Hubby's advice was to try and determine when I'm starting to get overly frustrated or angry and at that moment to ask myself if it is worth getting upset over.  That was what I did as I sat in the bathroom with frustrated tears in my eyes and I decided that this was NOT worth it.  So my son woke up early.  Big deal!  We all have days where we can't sleep any longer and we get up.  Roll with it, sister! 

I felt my body start to relax and my shoulders return to their normal spot instead of tensed up near my ears.  The tears left my eyes and I slipped into my hot shower to de-stress and to decompress.  When I came out Little C was right where I left him and I was relieved that I'd have time to get myself ready for work.  Instead, his toddler brain tired of Mickey Mouse very quickly and he wanted more action!  He wanted to read his books only he didn't want to read them alone, he wanted me to read with him.  For a moment I began getting stressed again knowing I was starting to run short on time, then I looked down at wide-eyed Little C holding his book up at me and I said, "okay, let's read a book."  My hair still wet from my shower and my morning routine completely shot I sat with him on the couch and we read his book.  After one read through I was able to set him next to me and talk to him as he kept reading and I applied my make-up.  Hazzah!!!  Two birds, one stone.  Want to know the kicker??  At any given time I could have asked hubby for help.  He even popped his head out at one point asking if I needed anything.  I said no.  But why couldn't I have said yes, I'd love some help?!?  Is it a pride thing?  A martyr thing?  A woman thing? Mom thing?  A willing participant to relieve some stress and swoop in to help me and I said no.  Oi. 

The progress of the day was that instead of freaking out and being angry for the whole morning, and probably the entire day, I was able to let go of the anger and calm myself down.  That is a huge step in the right direction for me and I am stoked!  Next up on my list?  Asking for/accepting help.  I think I can, I think I can...