Blogging for Mental Health - Part 2

I knew right away. I just had a feeling. A feeling that I was pregnant. The only way to confirm my intuition was to pee on the 'ole stick. Instantly two pink lines appeared and instantly I broke-down and cried.

These were not 100% tears of joy. Although I was thrilled to have a life growing inside of me, these were tears of shock, disbelief, and I'm not going to lie... tears of, "this can't be happening."

I was pregnant with our second baby as our first baby had just turned ONE!! We always knew we wanted to add to our family but this happened much, much earlier than we anticipated and I found myself pregnant with a "surprise baby!" A baby that I used to be all Judgey McJudgerson over when I'd hear of other people "accidentally" getting pregnant. I didn't understand how that was possible. Didn't they know how babies were made?!?!? How could you seriously not be aware of your body enough to make a mistake like that?!?!?

::inserts foot directly in mouth::

It took us over a year of trying to get pregnant with Little C and I was naive enough to believe it would be the same when we were ready to go for #2. Clearly this was not the case. I can't tell you how overwhelmingly guilty I felt for NOT being genuinely happy about it.

I was scared about how this would impact us. I was panicking about how we would make this work. Logistically, financially, emotionally? How will it affect Little C? I didn't feel like we had enough time with just him. In addition, I felt embarrassed that it was not a planned pregnancy. This concept was completely opposite of who I am. I like to have plans and I don't do well with curve balls. I felt irresponsible and was kicking myself for letting this happen.

This all may sound crazy but it was real and valid at the time. As I mentioned, I felt awful that I wasn't jumping up and down with the same enthusiasm as I did when finding out we were expecting Little C. This baby deserved the same level of excitement and I was beating myself up for not feeling it right away.

Once the shock wore off I was also catapulted into a pregnancy that was completely different from my first, and not in a good way. My first pregnancy was text book from start to finish. I felt great the entire time, I slept great the entire time and life was easy peasy. The second pregnancy was the opposite on all fronts.

But the biggest difference this time around were hormones. I know I would drone on post after post about how my "hormones" were out of whack and how "miserable" I was but I don't think I truly conveyed what I was really going through. I would talk to my therapist and my OB/GYN regularly about how much I was struggling and that I was terrified and basically resigning to the fact that I was going to have PPD. They both said we would just keep an eye on it and keep the dialogue open on the topic as we went along.

In short, I was a mess. There is no other way to describe it. And other than my husband and my therapist, no one really knew what I was going through. I didn't want to tell my parents too much because I didn't want them to worry (sorry, mom!) and I didn't even tell my friends more than the 'ole hormones quip when asked how I was feeling. I didn't know if people would understand, heck, I didn't know if even I could understand what I was going through.

I did not know who I was. I did not feel like me. I was either sad or "ragey" all. the. time. My poor husband didn't know what he was in for on a day-to-day, hour-to-hour or even minute-to-minute basis. {dreamy, I know!}I could be chipper one minute then in tears about something completely ridiculous the next. Worse yet, if it wasn't tears that I was battling it was just anger. I was short with my husband, my son, my dog, my cats, you name it. There was no reason for it, nothing that I know of that caused it. I was just out of control, or at least I felt that way.

Why? I don't freaking know!! And for an analytical minded person by nature, not understanding why something is happening and not having a plan in place to fix it is extremely hard. I would talk through it with my therapist and we were able to come to some conclusions in order for me to work toward getting back to "me."

Let me just tell you that I have never been through a more grueling 9 months in my entire life. Not just because of the pregnancy but because I was tackling some personal "demons" that up until this point I had not done a very good job dealing with. What I discovered was that because of this pregnancy I had to change some old behaviors of mine and for some reason it took getting pregnant in this way for those changes to take place.

Because of this pregnancy I learned more about myself and what I need to be happy. My marriage also grew stronger as we worked through my "ragey" episodes together and then even went further into our relationship having some of the most profound and real conversations that we've ever had in all our years together.

The out of control feelings and emotions did continue for the entire 9 months of my pregnancy but each month and each day that passed I became better equip to handle it and I slowly but surely started to feel like myself again.

In fact, once my beautiful baby was born it was like all was right with the world again {well, in regard to my hormones anyway}. I did not have PPD but I did experience the "baby blues" which was normal. After they passed, I wasn't feeling depressed and the light that was buried deep down for 9 months started to resurface.

Although I was feeling like myself again I still was dealing with a whole new life as a mother of an almost-two-year-old and a newborn baby. I had some really hard days as I adjusted and there were times that I felt so completely lost and overwhelmed. But because I new how to take better care of myself and how to communicate what I was going through, I was able to get through the tough days.


So why share all of this? I wanted to share because I think it is very important to be aware of ourselves and be able to recognize when something is amiss. I also think it is important to not be embarrassed or ashamed of our feelings and to have the courage and strength to admit we are struggling and may need some help.

You are not weak. In fact you are quite the opposite because it takes tremendous strength to take even the smallest steps toward picking yourself up out of a deep dark hole. People who have never experienced anything like depression or moments of mental health distress may not truly understand why you are struggling at all. They may wonder "what happened to you to make you sad?" Or, think to themselves, "suck it up!" But you and I know it is not that simple.

For me, the biggest triumph out of all of this was that by the end of my 9 month journey I was ecstatic to welcome our baby girl to our family. I was starting to get giddy with excitement for her arrival and I made peace with the timing in which she was brought into our lives.

If it weren't for my "surprise baby" I may not have made some of the positive changes that I had desperately wanted to make in my life. I would not have grown as much as I needed and wanted to. Or perhaps my husband and I would not have grown in our marriage if it weren't for the timing of our girl.

My sweet P-Nut literally changed my life in a way that I know I'm not doing justice here. I have still kept a lot out and still hold many of the things that I went through during this pregnancy guarded near my heart because I believe that is where they belong. But I hope what I did share with you reminds you that you aren't alone and that if you do find yourself going through a tough time you can get through it.

I used to say, "everything happens for a reason" because it was just the thing to say in certain situations. I never really put much stock behind it. But now I truly understand why people say that, and I truly believe little baby P-Nut came into my life when she did, and the way she did for a reason.

Blogging for Mental Health - Part 1

One of my favorite bloggers is Brandy at Mannly Mama. You guys, seriously. Check out her blog and I promise you won't be sorry! I would love to do nothing more that talk about her fabulous blog all day long, but I really wanted to talk about mental health.

Brandy posted today, The Mental Health of Motherhood, where she shares with everyone the tremendous community of online support for women suffering from postpartum depression. Brandy even shares her story and struggles with PPD and I encourage you to click over and give it a read.

She also pointed out that today is Blogging for Mental Health Day and I knew I couldn't sit this one out! Mental Health is a very important topic for me as I've experienced my own struggles with depression and a slew of periods where I just haven't been at the top of my game mentally.

I first shared my story about why I see a therapist back in February of 2012. It was actually the third blog post I had ever written! I wanted to dispel some of the stigmas that may be attached with seeking professional help and my hope was to connect with someone that felt like they needed help but didn't think therapy was even an option for them.

I also shared that I had my own spells of depression-like states during college that were crippling and difficult. Many, many days spent in tears, paralyzed by something that I couldn't quite put my finger on, and knowing that I was not myself. When this was at its worst I can't say that I fully received the proper help that I needed or that I was willing to accept the proper help that I needed. I wanted a "quick fix" and I honestly did not want to put in any effort to fix anything for myself.

It took some growing up, some life experiences and the right therapist to make it all click! I'm in a much healthier place where I sit today but my journey will never truly end. In fact, I had a major set back while I was pregnant with P-Nut.

I am going to share with you that experience in my "Part 2" of this topic because I now realize how important my story is in relation to the person I am today. I did not struggle with PPD, but I did struggle. It was intense and scary but I made it through.

As for today, on Blogging for Mental Health Day I just want to share these things with you:

1. You do not have to suffer any longer. If you feel like something just isn't right and it is something you haven't been able to shake, then please do not ignore it. You shouldn't have to just "get through" each day. There are resources and there is help out there you just have to be ready to admit that you may need it.
2. You do not have to do this alone. It takes a village, people! If you can find at the very least one person that you feel like you can trust and confide in when it comes to what you are struggling with. I promise you will not only feel better by sharing your struggles but you will be surprised by how much people are willing to help you in your time of need. Also, find support groups online or in your community. Solidarity is key!
3. You may not have to go through this alone, but you and only you are in control of "getting better." When you are in the middle of whatever's got you down I assure you picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and getting back to the swing of things is the most challenging task you will ever be faced with. It takes baby steps and you have to be willing to put in some work. This can be a slow process and even the smallest step will be a HUGE triumph!! The small steps will start to add up, I promise.
4. You are not weak. Struggling with mental health is not a sign of weakness. In my opinion it is a sign that you are self aware.
5. Find a good therapist. Therapy isn't for everyone but I urge you to at least explore the option. Therapy comes in many different forms so finding they right style for you is very important. Also, notice I said, "find a GOOD therapist." You may find that you don't "gel" with the first person you sit down with. My advice is to not force it. Therapy is for you and this is one place in your life that you get to be extremely selfish and picky. I will explain in more detail in anther post my experience with finding my perfect match and the things I would look for in a good therapist.
6. Give yourself a break. This shit is hard! There is no way around it. When your mental health is suffering your whole world can seem upside down and you feel like every day your are trudging through endless sadness, anxiety, anger, etc. Your road to getting back into a mental health sweet spot may not be a fast one. You will have some bad days and I'm here to tell you, that's ok! You are doing the best you can with whatever circumstances you have been dealt and even though you will have some tough days you will also get some good ones that will inspire you to keep moving forward.
7. Hang in there. It will get better. You can do this. You can overcome anything you are struggling with. You are strong and the light that feels so buried deep inside you will surface to the top once again. Like I said, when you are down this doesn't seem possible and it can feel overwhelming to visualize but if you just start slow and start with whatever you are comfortable with then I promise... one day, you will be back to you and even stronger then before.

Take care of yourself and if there is anything I can help with I'd be happy to try. I've been in your shoes and I've made it out the other side. Now it's your turn.

Mama and Baby Update - Month 4

Sweet little P-Nut. She is a true joy in all our lives. As evidenced below...

She is doing so good and I am just so stinking proud of her! Which is funny because really she hasn't done anything overly outstanding she is just a baby being a baby but still... I'm very proud.

I am also incredibly proud of my Little C. He is quite the big brother and I am so happy how much he seems to love his "Baby Sis!" He will crack up at any noise, wiggle, or sneeze she makes. He thinks she is hilarious! And she lights up when he is around and always tracks him, watching his every move. It truly is so much fun to behold the sibling love.

The biggest change for Miss P this month was her introduction to daycare. I was stressed and kind of sad about it while her big bro had a major meltdown not understanding why he couldn't stay with her all day. Then she was all...

"What's the big deal, guys?"

 

 

As far as developmental changes are concerned, she rolled over the other night from her tummy to her back. That was a pretty big deal! She is also starting to bring her feet up to her hands while on her back and the other morning when I went into her room I found her like this...

We had her 4 month check-up and her stats are as follows:

Weight: 13.5 lbs (50%)
Height: 24 inches (40%)
Head: 15 1/2 inches  (13%)

Eating:
She averages about 5 feedings a day. On the weekdays they are primarily from bottles with nursing in the evenings and on the weekends. I have started to reintroduce dairy into my diet and she has been responding well so I think her colic and constant gas is a thing of the past. Woop!

Sleeping:
We had some set backs as far sleeping through the night. She started waking up at random times and needed to be nursed back to sleep. On a rough night I'd be down with her for close to an hour but most of the time it was a quick 20-30 minute spell. We would try to let her cry it out (CIO) but I think I was caving too soon. So we have decided to get a bit more stern with it since she is getting older but thankfully, she is back to sleeping through the night so we have not had to practice our toughness yet. ;)

Miscellaneous:
I am still on pins and needles wondering what color her eyes are going to be. Right now they are still blue but I swear I see some bits of green near her pupil. My eyes are green with gold/brown around the pupil, Hubs are hazel and Little C's are deep chocolate brown. There is green and brown on my family's side, and green and blue on Hubs' so we'll see!

Mommy Update:
I've already shared how exhausted I am so I won't beat a dead horse here. I did have one reader suggest getting my thyroid levels checked because exhaustion, even after a sufficient night's sleep, is a symptom of levels being out of whack. I did have some thyroid issues with both of my pregnancies so I will be getting my levels checked out very soon to see if something is going on. Thanks for looking out for me, Anonymous! ;)

Another thing I am struggling with is how to keep my breast milk supply up. During the work day I can really only pump once but I'm starting to think I will need to negotiate with my boss pumping twice or my supply will be gone before I know it. Right now my pumping schedule looks like this:

1.  6:20am - As soon as I get out of the shower in the morning while I'm applying my make-up.
2. 12:00pm - On my lunch break
3. 5:00pm - On my drive home from work.

After that I try to nurse when I'm home. We do have to supplement with a bit of formula but she is still getting the majority of breast milk. We'll see if I can keep up as she starts eating more.

Lastly, I'm adjusting to being back at work as a mama of two. It is draining and challenging at times but overall, I'm handling it the best I can. I'm not going to lie and say it's a piece of cake because it feels like anything but. Yes, I like my job and I enjoy what I do but the work/life balance always feels skewed one way or the other. I know I will hit my stride eventually, just like I did after C was born, but right now I'm definitely treading water.

But it's not all doom and gloom so I don't want to end this post negatively.  I may be treading water but I am most certainly happy, very thankful, and very content and fulfilled by my little family.

Evolution of a doctor's visit

Oh, hi! P-Nut here.

I wanted to share with you a recent trip I took to the doctor's office. Consider this a warning to all other babies out there...

First off I should say I am one happy and healthy baby girl! ::pats self on back::

My mom said she will be filling you in on all the deets later this week. I am just here to share with you how the adults trick you into thinking you're going to the doctor's for an easy-breezy chit chat when really you are there to be administered SHOTS by the EVIL MEDICAL ASSISTANT.

See for yourselves...

                               Mama, I'm not too sure about this. You have me naked and lying on paper...

Okay, fine. You started making funny faces and using your desperate "smile for the camera" voice so I'll throw you a bone.

Soooo, I don't know what I was freaked out about earlier. This paper is actually pretty neat!

Yeah. I know I'm cute. Soak it in, Mama. Soak it in.

The doc finally came in and started talking to Mama about my gas! As if I wasn't even in the room! 

Uh, hello... I'm still here people. 

After laughing and yucking it up about how stinking I was, I thought it only fair to attempt taking a chomp out of the 'ole doc's stethoscope. That'll teach her!

After things wrapped up they started talking about vaccinations.

What's that?!?!?

I protested. Oh, HELLLLL NO! There will be none of that.

But my attempts were futile and after FOUR LOUSY SHOTS...

Then I had to spend the rest of the day at daycare! Can you believe it?!?!? Almost eight full hours before I was right where I needed to be after my traumatizing day. 

Mom and Dad said I was a trooper, and I have to say, I really was. 

Thanks for letting me share my adventure with you. To all the babies out there, consider yourselves warned!

Is this the new normal?

I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to that question and it, unfortunately, is yes.

The exhaustion. It is slowly killing me.

I remember how I felt as a first-time mom with a newborn and wondered how I had the audacity to complain about being tired before having kids. Then I remember how I felt as I returned back to work as a first-time mom and wondered how I had the nerve to complain about being tired with a newborn when I could relax, rest, or even sleep during the day on maternity leave.

Then more recently came the sleeplessness of a newborn paired with an early rising toddler and I was catapulted into a whole new inner circle of hell. And finally, the coup de gras of all of this is a baby, a toddler and a full-time job.

Now here's the kicker. Here's the thing that's going to make you want to punch me in the face and tell me to snap the heck out of it and take my complaining, tired ass elsewhere.

My baby sleeps through the night and has for some time.

Yep. I sleep on average a total of 7 hours each night, 8 hours if I'm really lucky and I'm STILL exhausted! Like painfully, can't see straight, fall asleep standing up, shouldn't be driving, kind of exhausted. And I don't know why!

Okay, so I have an idea why. It could be that from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep I am on-the-go. I am like the freaking energizer bunny zipping from mommy, to professional, to wife, to mommy, to professional  to wife. But instead of super cool dark sunglasses and a sweet drum I don super cool dark circles and a breast pump.

To be honest with you, I'm not handling this very well. From the outside I appear to be a rock star pulling myself together each day and thanks to make-up and a suit I look somewhat decent. But internally I am a nightmare. This deathly tired feeling is consuming my already mushy brain and I can't shake it. Last night Hubs and I said good night to each other and started to doze off. I had finally fallen asleep when my baby girl's cries came shouting through the monitor. Hubs got up to soothe her and I just lost it and cried.

I couldn't help it and there was no good reason for it. Hubs asked what was wrong and I just said, "this exhaustion is fucking with my head!" {BTW - sorry for cussing but his is what happens when I'm tired.}

I need sleep. I need a week of sleep to catch up and truly feel rested. But alas that will never happen. I know right now there are parents in the newborn stage that are getting half the amount of sleep I do. I know there are people who suffer from insomnia that want to round-house kick me in the head for complaining. I know it is all relative.

I also know that this is what I signed up for and I need to chill the fuck out. I'm going to be tired for a while. I'll get blips of time where I can get caught up and there are days where I'm feeling great so I need to be thankful for that. I also need to do a better job of staying positive and not crossing into the dark side. So what if I'm tired?!? I have two wonderful, healthy children. a husband who is the best partner anyone could ask for, and a job that not only pays the bills but that I happen to enjoy. So maybe I am tired all the time but the bottom line is that I can get through it and I should probably stop with all the complaining.

Thank you for listening. I feel better already. Now I'm off to sleep on the floor pump on my lunch break and just keep on keeping on!

Mom Memory: The Feeling

This month at Mile High Mamas I was asked to write about a "motherhood memory" in honor of Mother's Day fast approaching. Being that I've only been a mom for two years I feel like every experience is a memory worth sharing whether it's good or bad.

But since I had to pick one, I went with the first time I experienced "the feeling." Click here to see what I mean and please share with me when you experienced "the feeling" yourself. Was it similar to mine and do you remember the first time it hit you?

Have a great day, Mamas!

Out with the old, in with the new!

There once existed a time in my life where coming home from work was no big deal. I'd greet hubs, we'd chat about our days, pour a glass of wine or crack open a beer, plop down on the couch and relax while trying to decide what we'd make for dinner. Then we'd probably just say, "screw it" and head out for a bite to eat, and some more beers of course, laugh and chat about life, then head back home whenever we pleased, watch TV or relax some more before heading off to sleep.

That was the old.

Then we had a baby. I'd greet hubs AFTER greeting my sweet baby boy. ;) We'd chat about when the baby ate last, when did he nap last, had he pooped yet? Did daycare say he had a good day? Instead of cracking open bottles of beer we were washing baby bottles and prepping them for the next day (Oh who am I kidding?!? We still had beers). We were making dinner at home as often as possible and no longer heading out on a whim.  We would laugh and chat about our baby boy after bathing, feeding, and changing. We'd put him to bed then have some down time to relax and get caught up on our DVR and head off to sleep.

That was the old. And the "old" is now officially OUT.  The "old" is a fable from our days of yore. Now, it's all about the "new!"

I know it has not even been a full week yet since I've been back at work but I tell ya... this week has felt like a year!

Coming home from work now looks a bit like this:

I pump in the car. Ya heard right, folks! From the time I leave my office to the time I get home, there are two freshly pumped bottles and as soon as I walk in the door I don't have to be plugged into a machine, I can start right in with the fam.

I greet hubs who is feeding the baby. The toddler greets me with a giant hug and begs me to come play with him. I explain that I need to take my coat off and put my things down which of course sends him into a major tantrum. He is told he needs to "take 5."

The baby won't be set down without crying so she gets moby wrapped so we can continue on with things. The toddler occupies himself for blips at a time and when his trucks start to bore him he is screaming and whining for attention. Meanwhile, dinner has to be made and although we want nothing more than to give him attention we power through preparing our meal so we can all sit down and eat together.

Dinner lasts maybe 5 minutes before the baby starts crying and before you know it, it gets all "National Geographic" at the dinner table when mom's boob comes flying out to feed the crying babe so we can carry on. The toddler says he doesn't like anything he's been given and wants marshmallows and mixed fruit cups instead. He is excused from the table.

My baby girl has decided to give me the cold shoulder and wants nothing to do with my breast and screams her head off until she is given a bottle. She calms down. The toddler is prepped for bed and for the first time all night both kids are happy and calm. We read three books and just as everyone is having fun it is time for bed after our routine family hug. Hubby takes Little C up and I take P-Nut down to their respective rooms.

After the babes are down the two of us meet for the first time since I've been home, both slightly worse for wear. We glance at the couch longingly and I swear we can hear it mocking us as we can't stop to sit now.

We both get ready for the next day, but not until we've finished our cold dinners. Bottles, pump parts, clothes, coffee, lunches, etc. Did we feed the pets? We are finally done and nothing is sweeter than crawling into our bed.

Well, maybe I lied about that...

Before crawling into bed we creep inside our children's rooms and look at them while they are sleeping. The night's tantrums and baby cries seem like a distant memory. Their sweet little faces, their delicate breath, rosy sleeping cheeks. There is nothing sweeter than that.

So maybe the "old" is long gone and maybe the "new" is kicking my butt every which way to Sunday, but I'll still take it any day.