Tuesday, July 3, 2012

To Find Out or Not To Find Out? Should This Be Debated?

Over the weekend I attended a darling little girl's 1st birthday party.  It was pretty surreal to meet two other moms with one child around my son's age and one on the way, all due close to the same day as me!  Crazy!  As we started chit-chatting the topic turned to finding out the sex of the baby.  Did they find out the first time and would they be finding out the second time?  Out of the three of us, I was the only one who had found out and is planning to find out the sex this time as well.

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Here's where it got tricky...  One of the moms confidently stepped upon her proverbial soap box and didn't come down until she had declared why NOT finding out is so much better than the alternative.  She wasn't saying things like, "I just feel..." or "for us, this is what worked best."  No, she was stating very firmly that not finding out the sex until delivery is how it should be done.  She didn't feel that there was any surprise or excitement over finding out in the ultrasound room.

I explained that my husband and I just couldn't wait and we were both giddy with excitement for our ultrasound.  Once the technician told us it was a boy we clenched even tighter our already gripped hands, shed a tear, and while hugging whispered to each other, "congratulations."  It was so special... FOR US.  That may not sound at all exciting or special to you and guess what, that's great!

I couldn't get over this gals approach to a topic that has no "right or wrong" tied to it in any way.  She continued on to explain how frequently technicians get the sex wrong and stated how she didn't know why people find out in the first place.  She explained that people get their hopes up for one gender and when they find out at the ultrasound they are setting themselves up for disappointment.  Oi.  This was about the time I wanted to walk away from this conversation all together.  And that's just what I did!

If I was more of a confrontational person I may have had the guts to tell her there is nothing wrong with "hoping" for a specific gender.  It doesn't make you a bad person or parent.  Some of us envision our family looking a certain way, so what!  I have known many people that ended up with the opposite of what they were "hoping" for and I never once heard them express a shred of disappointment!  Once they found out they embraced their gift and knew it was meant to be.  There is no shame in hoping for a specific gender, it's human nature.

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Additionally, there is no shame in wanting to find out the sex before delivery AND there is nothing wrong with waiting either.  This is a personal option for expecting parents to make.  With all of the other issues exposing parents to harsh criticism and judgement, I feel that this topic is far from debatable.  I also don't understand how this mom had the audacity to declare that finding out during the ultrasound doesn't hold the same luster as waiting.  She had only done it ONE WAY!  How can you have a successful argument if you don't consider both sides.  Writing Arguments 101 taught me that in college!

It still gets my blood pumping just thinking about it!  Only because it was so ridiculous.  I have strong opinions about things but I'm not the type of person to shove it down people's throats.  Especially to people that I don't even know and especially not about decisions that are so personal and special to the parties that are making them.  Since becoming a mom I've discovered there are so many things to debate, scrutinize and judge each other about.  It really is a shame because we are all in this together.  As parents we are presented with similar joys and triumphs, obstacles and dilemmas and although we may address them differently there still exists a commonality.  So lets be kind to one another and although it is perfectly fine to disagree with the decisions of other people, be mindful of when and with whom you decide to vent about it.

Did you find out the sex of your baby?  If you are pregnant will you find out?  What are your reasons to wait or to find out at the ultrasound? 


  1. I have two boys, the oldest will be three at the end of the month and the other is eight months old. We found out the sex of both during the first trimester because my husband was the last male in his family-if we wouldn't have had a boy, his surname would have died with him. Plus I was just downright curious!!

    I make maternity hospital gowns at have found the probably 75% of the moms I make gowns for know the gender of their baby. So yes, it all comes down to personal preference. Unfortunately, some people just can't respect other people's decisions. Sorry you had to go through that!

    (P.S. I found you through Hormonal Imbalances)

    1. Nicole,
      Thank you for the comment. Two boys! Wow! Honestly I am hoping for another boy. I don't know if it's because I already have a boy that I am drawn that way, or what. Of course we will be happy with a girl but I'm still not ashamed of hoping for a boy!

      What an interesting job! Do you enjoy making maternity gowns? Sewing is defintiely NOT something I am good at. Even buttons get the better of me!

      Thanks again for the note!

  2. I found with pregnancy and parenting, people feel the need to put in their 2 cents or defend their choices no matter what. Its fine if it is done with respect, but sometimes it is downright rude.

    I love that my girlfriend didn't find out with #1. It was such a special moment for them and I was so excited to see the text with "its a boy!".

    We found out. It really wasn't up for debate. We knew at 20 weeks it was a 50/50 chance. We were still surprised, giddy, tearful, a moment I know we both will treasure.

    1. Exactly! I don't mind people having opions and doing things differently than I do, it is just the way they express it that becomes the issue. I just don't have the will power to wait until delivery... or to stop eating a bag of Doritos after only a few.

      I'm glad it was a special moment for you and your husband. That's what it's all about! ;)