My husband and I always knew we wanted to have kids. Even before we were married we would talk about our imaginary family and we even had names picked out for our imaginary kids. Staying up late at night, heads on our pillows, staring at one another just dreaming, laughing, hoping.
We were married for 4 years before we felt ready to turn those dreams into a reality. It took us a little over a year before becoming pregnant. That was a very long year. That "time of the month" became a horrible reminder we weren't having a baby and every month it was harder and harder. Until one day...
July 27th, 2010. It was a beautiful day and I never thought the simple act of peeing on a stick would bring us so much joy! Well, I actually peed on 5 sticks because I just couldn't believe it! The Hubby and I spent the following 9 months staying up late at night, heads on our pillows, staring at one another just dreaming, laughing, hoping. Doing what expectant parents do.
March 31st, 2011 my son was born and a mom was born at the same time. There is no greater joy than holding your baby in your arms for the first time. It can be described with elaborate adjectives and metaphors but nothing can truly do it justice. It is perfection.
My new parent "glow" rapidly turned into crusty, nappy haired, sleep deprived, not knowing what day it is or remembering when I showered last, kind of glow. It was puuuuurdy! I would agonize over the simplest of decisions because I wanted to make sure I did right by my perfect little baby. All the while doubting that I was doing any of it right but just kept taking things one day at a time. My heart still skips a beat if I hear a noise Baby Boy hasn't made yet and I wonder, "is he ok?" "Maybe I should go check on him..." I cried myself to sleep when I moved him from the bed-side bassinet to his crib. (You did cry then too, didn't you? No? Just me? Sweet.)
Every. Single. Day. My heart breaks when I leave him at daycare. I keep waiting for it to get easier. I keep praying for the working-mom-life-balance to feel effortless and not like a battle. My desk is complete with just enough pictures to not seem too weird and every once in a while I'll glance at one and remember a funny look he gave me that morning or the silly faces he makes and will literally have water fill my eyes.
I'm a mom. I have a son that I would give my life for. I thank God and my husband everyday for blessing me with the gift of all gifts. How did I get so lucky to be this boy's mother?
Being a mama is demanding, challenging, and exhausting. But, you know what? It is worth it. Man, is it worth it! Those little hands squeezing tightly around your finger. Those eyes looking at you with complete and total trust. That smile reserved just for you. When you pick them up and they wrap their arms around your neck or lay their head on your chest. Watching them develop and grow with each new milestone as equally exciting as the last. Watching your husband become a dad... that right there is a whole post for another time. Watching your parents become grandparents is also a gift. My son falling asleep in my Dad's arms with a look of peace and contentment on my Father's face. My mother singing all the same songs to my baby as she once sang to me.
All of it is too much. It doesn't seem real. I'm a mom. And still today, my husband and I stay up late at night, heads on our pillows, staring at one another just dreaming, laughing, hoping about the future. Because, I've got a secret! ;) I'll tell you later. Until then...
Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful mothers out there. You are beautiful, strong, amazing women and I feel honored and blessed to be in your company. Enjoy!
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