The last couple of months of pregnancy are not for the faint of heart. The last month you are a down-right soldier and the last two weeks you are a walking, talking ball of mushy misery counting down the seconds.
The last two months also bring with it a slower pace, a waddle where your walk once was, the need to scratch your itchy belly, wishing you were surrounded by air-conditioning at all times even in the dead of winter and the need for a forklift to get you up from any soft sitting space.
I have to say though, the worst for me is not being able to move very well. I'm not very graceful and simple tasks that normally take seconds become quite the battle. It is frustrating to not be able to move like you once did!
Just turning over from one side to the other in bed is a monumental occurrence. It takes time and patience to 1) decide that the roll is about to take place 2) figure out if you are going to roll with your body pillow between your knees or abandon it altogether, 3) take a deep breath and... HEAVE!! You might not make it all the way over in one fell swoop, oh no, that would be too easy. You make it to your back then wiggle and squirm the rest of the way to the other side. Once you are there you have to readjust your pillow, the covers and your stupid body pillow that is helpful yet annoying. Then once you are comfortable and set you realize...
You have to pee. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Oh and what about playing with a toddler in your last two months of pregnancy? That is down right laughable! He requests that we play ring-around-the-rosies and of course his favorite part is when we "all fall down!" But Mama CAN'T fall down because Mama WON'T be getting up from the ground once she's fallen. So we play from the couch, in my lap and when it's time to "fall down" I lay him on the couch and I slouch over to the side ever so cautiously. He seems unimpressed then he says, "ring-around-the-rosies with Dada!"
He's gone and I'm left stuck on the couch with worn cushions that have no fight left especially when a giant preggo is perched on top of them. I then have to do the couch dance scooting my body from side to side until I've moved myself to the edge of the seat and then push myself up.
But let's not forget about my two recent favorites, getting onto a message table and putting on tights! Oh to be a fly on the wall and have seen how I skillfully negotiated both of these tasks. First up, the message table.
This contraption is for pregnant women to lay on their bellies while getting a message. It is so very lovely and I found it to be very comfortable and since I haven't been able to lay on my stomach for ages, it was perfection. But getting up onto the table and into the pregnancy mat was hilarious!
I was dressed down to my undies in all my pregnancy glory and managed to climb on the table and onto all fours. Then I had to twist and turn to reach behind me to gather up the covers to drape over my bod. Once I had managed to do that I lowered myself into the pregnancy mat and inched ever so slightly to get it where it needed to go. This process took a very. long. time. I was extremely relieved that the masseuse didn't barge in while I was getting adjusted.
Once she did pop-in she said, "oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't very clear. You can't lie directly on top of the mat, you need to have a sheet between you."
Brilliant.
So I had to climb off the table entirely to fix the sheet, climb back on, do the twist and reach move to gather up the sheets once more and this go-round she didn't give me sufficient time to lower into the mat and into the room she barged to witness my pregnancy glory and since she startled me I literally flopped down into position. There was nothing elegant or glamorous about this whatsoever. However, the message itself was heaven and I was grateful to be receiving it.
Last but not least, the application of tights. I went to the store recently to purchase maternity tights and wouldn't ya know, they were all out! I really needed them so I thought the next best thing would be to buy two sizes bigger than I normally wear of regular tights and hope for the best.
Let's just say getting those bad boys on was nothing short of a miracle. I was sweating profusely as I had to get very creative on how I was going to get each foot into the tights. Do I stand and bend over? Do I sit on the bed and lift my leg up like a can-can dancer? Once both feet were in I had to pull ever so carefully up each leg grunting and moaning all the while because my giant belly was in my way!! I then pulled the tights up over my arse and the real fun started.
At this point Hubby walked into the room, took one look at me, turned back around and exited the premises. He could tell he wanted nothing to do with what was happening in that room and for this he is a very wise man.
After an epic battle and a lot of cursing, I managed to put on my tights. They are currently cutting into my ribs and creating a second row of back fat as well as digging into the creases around my pubic bone but hey, they are on.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to waddle my way to the restroom. I've been holding it because I'm scared to lower the tights and get them back up again.
Say a prayer for me. And if I'm not back soon, send help.
