Is this the new normal?

I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to that question and it, unfortunately, is yes.

The exhaustion. It is slowly killing me.

I remember how I felt as a first-time mom with a newborn and wondered how I had the audacity to complain about being tired before having kids. Then I remember how I felt as I returned back to work as a first-time mom and wondered how I had the nerve to complain about being tired with a newborn when I could relax, rest, or even sleep during the day on maternity leave.

Then more recently came the sleeplessness of a newborn paired with an early rising toddler and I was catapulted into a whole new inner circle of hell. And finally, the coup de gras of all of this is a baby, a toddler and a full-time job.

Now here's the kicker. Here's the thing that's going to make you want to punch me in the face and tell me to snap the heck out of it and take my complaining, tired ass elsewhere.

My baby sleeps through the night and has for some time.

Yep. I sleep on average a total of 7 hours each night, 8 hours if I'm really lucky and I'm STILL exhausted! Like painfully, can't see straight, fall asleep standing up, shouldn't be driving, kind of exhausted. And I don't know why!

Okay, so I have an idea why. It could be that from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep I am on-the-go. I am like the freaking energizer bunny zipping from mommy, to professional, to wife, to mommy, to professional  to wife. But instead of super cool dark sunglasses and a sweet drum I don super cool dark circles and a breast pump.

To be honest with you, I'm not handling this very well. From the outside I appear to be a rock star pulling myself together each day and thanks to make-up and a suit I look somewhat decent. But internally I am a nightmare. This deathly tired feeling is consuming my already mushy brain and I can't shake it. Last night Hubs and I said good night to each other and started to doze off. I had finally fallen asleep when my baby girl's cries came shouting through the monitor. Hubs got up to soothe her and I just lost it and cried.

I couldn't help it and there was no good reason for it. Hubs asked what was wrong and I just said, "this exhaustion is fucking with my head!" {BTW - sorry for cussing but his is what happens when I'm tired.}

I need sleep. I need a week of sleep to catch up and truly feel rested. But alas that will never happen. I know right now there are parents in the newborn stage that are getting half the amount of sleep I do. I know there are people who suffer from insomnia that want to round-house kick me in the head for complaining. I know it is all relative.

I also know that this is what I signed up for and I need to chill the fuck out. I'm going to be tired for a while. I'll get blips of time where I can get caught up and there are days where I'm feeling great so I need to be thankful for that. I also need to do a better job of staying positive and not crossing into the dark side. So what if I'm tired?!? I have two wonderful, healthy children. a husband who is the best partner anyone could ask for, and a job that not only pays the bills but that I happen to enjoy. So maybe I am tired all the time but the bottom line is that I can get through it and I should probably stop with all the complaining.

Thank you for listening. I feel better already. Now I'm off to sleep on the floor pump on my lunch break and just keep on keeping on!