Change

Last week was one for the record books! It was chalk full of first-time events, celebrations, etc. To sum it up for you it went a little something like this:

• Little C stuck a rock in his nose and shoved that stony pebble to the point of being legitimately stuck. It happened at daycare and the director and teachers were able to use the methods they had on hand to get it out. We just shook our heads and were thankful it wasn't a more serious issue.
• It was my birthday last Thursday so I am now 33. It is an obscure age to be but I suppose once you hit your thirties every age is obscure with the exception of milestones. I had a great day and I'm looking forward to an exciting year!
• We put an offer on a house!!!!! With our current living situation we have to be out of our rental by the end of June. We had started looking at houses with a Realtor back in Feb. But then I lost my job in March and we thought our days of buying a home were done (at least for the foreseeable future). We were wrong! It took some getting creative but once our ducks were in a row we set out to look for a house last week knowing we had to find "the one" in order to close by our end of June deadline. We were skeptical and as we were driving to our last house of the day we were feeling discouraged until... We walked in the front door of the place we hope to make our own! It felt right and we could picture ourselves living there. It was too much to be true! We placed our offer later that night.
• Our offer was accepted and we are officially under contract!!
• I got a "new to me" car because the cherry on top of my pitiful unemployment cake was my car breaking down to the point of no return. Since I have a new job we can no longer function as a one car family which we had been doing for about a month. 

So did you catch all of that?!?! A parenthood right of passage with a nose/object incident, a birthday, a new house (assuming nothing goes wrong from here on out), a new car, and if that wasn't enough, I start my new job tomorrow. It's all so incredibly exciting and as you can imagine intensely overwhelming.

On paper it appears like things are finally going our way and looking up. But the live and in-color truth is that it has been a lot of hard work to get us to this point. We have saved and planned for being home owners for so long and to have it finally coming to fruition is really wonderful. I had my last job for seven years and worked hard to find myself now embarking on a new job focusing 100% on something I'm passionate about and I'm so eager to learn and soak it all up.

Currently I'm overwhelmed and anxious to the hilt and I want to hyperventilate or vomit at any given moment but I am also so incredibly thrilled for these major life changes. The next month is going to be crazy, no doubt. I need to take plenty of deep breaths and stay positive because seriously...

The Next Chapter Begins Here

It's been a really hard two months. Like, can't sleep, knots in my stomach, stress eating, crying, fuming, worrying, and digging so very deep to try and find something to smile or laugh about. It has been two months of putting on a tough front when I'm asked all the questions about my situation and straight up acting like I'm fine when, honestly? I'm so very not.

Or at least I wasn't. Things have changed and I have been offered a position at the company I was pursuing even before I lost my job. I am beyond excited and optimistic for the future. But before I jump up in the air and click my heels I wanted to finish this post that I started writing last week.

I've been coming to this space pretty consistently for the past two months and not able to write. I wanted to share all the details of my son's "How to Train Your Dragon" themed birthday party, I wanted to post a 15 month update for Baby Donut, I wanted to share pictures and thoughts of all the fun we've been having. But the truth is, it didn't feel fun. I have been very depressed and struggling with the day to day.

Being unemployed truly shook my ego and made me feel incredibly fragile. On top of that there was the way life as we knew it was altered by this new status. So many days and nights struggling to make difficult life decisions, balancing every penny, and asking the question "what are we going to do," and not having an answer to support it.

Every single thing was dependent upon when I got a job and not having any control over when it would happen was less than desirable. I would suit up and march out to every interview confident that I was the right candidate and desperate not to come off as, well... desperate.

Then there is the waiting. Oh, the waiting is brutal! If you've been in these shoes then you know. Each day that passes is torture as all your thoughts travel through the entire spectrum of emotion. First there's the "I got this" phase where you come out of the interview confident and patting yourself on the back. Then a couple days pass with no word on next steps and you enter the "oh, man... maybe I shouldn't have said that" phase. You start replaying every detail of the interview and wondering if you answered a question wrong or made a misstep at any point. Finally a full week since you met with anyone passes and now you are in the "well, I'll just kiss this opportunity goodbye" phase and you're sure you didn't get the job. And sometimes you don't, and that's that. But sometimes you get that lovely little email or phone call with your next steps which usually involves another interview with another extended period of time after which you don't hear from anyone and the cycle repeats.

And can we talk about the online application process?!?! It's a joke as you find a job description you know was created just for you, you apply, and within 24 hours you are told you are not a prime candidate and it is so clear you have just been lost in the abyss of other resumes not taken seriously. I'm telling you people... It's not what you know, it's who you know. Network, network, network.

Anyways, overall in the grand scheme of life everything that has transpired in the last two months isn't too catastrophic or tragic in the least bit. I know I need to keep everything in perspective and I even know I need to "suck it up" and deal better when life throws me a curve ball. 

Slowly but surely things are starting to look up. There is very much still in flux and still a great deal of stress swirling around us but the pieces to our chaotic puzzle are taking form and poised to come together. That is all I could ask for at this point. 

And just so you know... When asked the question "aren't you enjoying your time off?" I am done with the facades. No. I am not enjoying my time off. This "time off" couldn't have happened at a worse time. I have been a wreck and even though I've had some wonderful time with my children and my husband since being out of work it has been hard to be in the moment and truly appreciate it when every part of our future was in limbo and me getting a job was the number one solution to "fixing" it.

Now that the job piece has fallen into place I can finally use my remaining "time off" to enjoy the day to day more. We still have a lot to get figured out and I know we can do it. If these past two months have affirmed anything it is how strong my partnership with my husband is. We have really weathered this storm very well... together. We will weather many more I am sure of it, but let's hope not too soon.

Then there's our family, without them we could also not have made it through this time. Their support has been overwhelming and saying "thank you" will never be enough. My friends have reached out and been there for me and even the friends that live in my phone and computer whom I've never met were a huge support. I can't tell you how much everything has meant to me and to us.

Last, but never, ever, least... my therapist. There came a moment when I was so low and felt like every effort I was making to deal with all of this gracefully and not fall apart was in earnest, and I wasn't going to hold up well any longer. So I waved my white flag and I dialed up my life jacket. I was drowning no more and purged some much needed emotional baggage.

I'm so ready to be done with the lows and I'm eager and willing to live the highs! People kept telling me I was holding up well and doing a great job at getting through all of this. I'm not sure if that's true but I did get through it and I know that only being unemployed for two months is pretty good considering. I know there may be some of you out there who have gone longer or are dealing with more. But this has been my experience, my reality. I can only say "hang in there, it will get better" because I've been through it. But trust me, when you're in the middle of shit storm it is hard to feel optimistic.

Nevertheless, I made it. We made it. I'm starting a new job at a company I am super excited to be a part of and I'm progressing my career which I have worked very hard at.

The next chapter begins here.